I swear love makes people stupid. It made me stupid. I met the woman of my dreams at a Bible College in Canada.
My buddy convinced me to come with him to this college in Canada. We both had visions of mountains and learning to ski. We were dumb Americans from the Midwest. The only pictures I had ever seen of Canada were of places like Banff. Neither of us seemed to know that Regina, Saskatchewan was in the middle of the flattest place on earth. A speed bump was treated as a mountain. No matter that it was a shock rather than a vision, it was an adventure.
The school had a funky little snack shack called “Tuck Shop.” Don’t know why, but that always seemed a strange name. One of the student workers was this blond girl with sparkling eyes and a beautiful smile. I liked her immediately. My next-door room neighbor told me he was dating her. I hated him immediately. Maybe that was too strong. Actually, I decided I would just work at being her friend. It did not take long for me to learn the “liking” part was one sided and she didn’t share his feelings. A crack in the door developed. I pursued more and more conversation with her. We had no classes together as she was a year ahead, but I began to know where she would be at certain times and also figured out her work schedule. I studied her movement more than my homework. I was going stupid.
The young man who rented a room had a similar impact, but a different kind of love. He came into my home because of the place he was living at the time. He believed his relatives were treating him badly. He was far from his mother and I had the space.
We talked often. He was a fine Christian boy with a heart for God. He was warm and friendly and all I wanted to do was help him. I don’t know when it turned from a desire to him to wanting to protect him, but it did. I don’t know when protecting him moved to rescuing him. I have always regretted dragging him to his bank because of over draft charges to get it corrected. He was going deep into a hole paying for the use of his debit card by being charged $18 each time he used the card after his money was gone. They would let him go $400 in the hole before they would stop it so is over draft charge were getting close to his monthly income.
Rather than explaining his options and letting him handle the matter, I treated him like a child being taken advantage of and took him to the bank to fix the situation. I stole his independence and his manhood. I turned him into a little. To me he was a great son in need of a father figure and I wanted to be that father. I wanted him as my replacement son for the one I lost. I smothered him, offended him and lost him. My emotions were out of control. My depression at the lost of my own son and my guilt in trying to find out what I had done to cause his death and the grief for my wife that was returning was destroying whoever I had been.
He met the girl of his dreams and I knew that would end our relationship. I failed him miserably. I was stupid. I had taken this vessel of clay God had given me mold in His image and began to try to shape it in my own. I took responsibility that was not mine to take.
By Gods grace, he is a fine man of God. But rather than being an adult friend, my own heartbreak led me lose a relationship that began and sustained a long time as a wonderful and positive thing for us both.
This affected my work at the church and led to the end of my ministry and the beginning of struggling for survival.
1 comment:
Dear Clyde:
You are so terribly brave to be so honest. Who hasn’t projected their needs upon another person? Who hasn’t manipulated others? Who hasn’t tried to re-live life’s early paths, and make them come out differently ‘this time round’? There is the controller and the object… but God is greater than them both, and loves them both.
Please recall that I am a transsexual – born as if a man, and now, I live as if a woman. I will probably never know either gender path completely. And so many people – Christians and non-believers have projected all sorts of things upon me. I am not much of a controller, but I was an object to them. I was their target for manipulation again and again… oh, I laugh about it now, though there were times that I cried.
Yet our Lord Jesus loves to use the ‘despised’ objects for His purposes, so that all glory will go to Him (I Cor 1). So, He picked me up, dusted me off, and taught me that His opinion of me mattered – and I was covered with Christ as my holiness, my redemption, and my righteousness. In the midst of darkness, one candle was lit by Him… and I gravitated towards that light. Christ mended my heart broken by a relative that projected ‘Satan has him’ on me; and another relative that projected ‘avoid it at all costs – stay business-like’. Gross insults and hatred by many were used to manipulate me… prejudice towards transsexuals is overt at times, even from pastors and elders… but Christ was greater, by far.
I recently was instructed by the Lord to leave a church that had partially accepted my attendance. Their prejudice - that is, lack of impartiality - finally wore me down to nothing, and contributed to an apparent heart attack in June 2011 (later diagnosed as ‘esophageal spasm’, which is stress related and imitates a heart attack). Even though they show mercy to men that marry a divorced woman, they could not experience the Wisdom of Heaven towards me. Our last meeting with the pastor did not go well, and Bonnie (my wife) remembers that meeting to this day. I gave them a letter of resignation with many blessings on 26 July 2011.
Christ has given me two church families now – one in the woods by a college, and another in the woods by a store – each filled with homeless men and a few women. And, I am surrounded by a few men and women of faith, that simply want to experience Matthew Chapter 25, the last parable. We leave our differences at the edge of the harvest field, and listen to the ‘campers’, and just love them. We gently share the Word of God, and gently pray with them. We share our dinner with them among the pines and oaks. There are our extended family. I am filled and overflowing with joy, covered by blessings from our Jesus.
I doubt that you have done anything to your young man that comes close to all that was done to me by others. But God is greater than all controllers and yes, greater than all objects. He loves them both. I offer that, one day, when you are willing to take a possible rejection from him, you may want to apologize to the young man. After all, sometimes men grieve with anger, and much later, with forgiveness. But then, if he talks, then listen and listen… and you will probably hear in the Spirit, the giggling and laughter of a certain carpenter from Nazareth, who has repaired every wound ten times over.
He is greater than all our sins, even sins done to others. I am living proof. Take courage. Forgive your own self - He forgave you and has been repairing everyone long ago.
Much love in Christ always and unconditionally; Caryn
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