A LOVE LOST

I swear love makes people stupid. It made me stupid. I met the woman of my dreams at a Bible College in Canada.

My buddy convinced me to come with him to this college in Canada. We both had visions of mountains and learning to ski. We were dumb Americans from the Midwest. The only pictures I had ever seen of Canada were of places like Banff. Neither of us seemed to know that Regina, Saskatchewan was in the middle of the flattest place on earth. A speed bump was treated as a mountain. No matter that it was a shock rather than a vision, it was an adventure.

The school had a funky little snack shack called “Tuck Shop.” Don’t know why, but that always seemed a strange name. One of the student workers was this blond girl with sparkling eyes and a beautiful smile. I liked her immediately. My next-door room neighbor told me he was dating her. I hated him immediately. Maybe that was too strong. Actually, I decided I would just work at being her friend. It did not take long for me to learn the “liking” part was one sided and she didn’t share his feelings. A crack in the door developed. I pursued more and more conversation with her. We had no classes together as she was a year ahead, but I began to know where she would be at certain times and also figured out her work schedule. I studied her movement more than my homework. I was going stupid.

The young man who rented a room had a similar impact, but a different kind of love. He came into my home because of the place he was living at the time. He believed his relatives were treating him badly. He was far from his mother and I had the space.

We talked often. He was a fine Christian boy with a heart for God. He was warm and friendly and all I wanted to do was help him. I don’t know when it turned from a desire to him to wanting to protect him, but it did. I don’t know when protecting him moved to rescuing him. I have always regretted dragging him to his bank because of over draft charges to get it corrected. He was going deep into a hole paying for the use of his debit card by being charged $18 each time he used the card after his money was gone. They would let him go $400 in the hole before they would stop it so is over draft charge were getting close to his monthly income.

Rather than explaining his options and letting him handle the matter, I treated him like a child being taken advantage of and took him to the bank to fix the situation. I stole his independence and his manhood. I turned him into a little. To me he was a great son in need of a father figure and I wanted to be that father. I wanted him as my replacement son for the one I lost. I smothered him, offended him and lost him. My emotions were out of control. My depression at the lost of my own son and my guilt in trying to find out what I had done to cause his death and the grief for my wife that was returning was destroying whoever I had been.

He met the girl of his dreams and I knew that would end our relationship. I failed him miserably. I was stupid. I had taken this vessel of clay God had given me mold in His image and began to try to shape it in my own. I took responsibility that was not mine to take.

By Gods grace, he is a fine man of God. But rather than being an adult friend, my own heartbreak led me lose a relationship that began and sustained a long time as a wonderful and positive thing for us both.

This affected my work at the church and led to the end of my ministry and the beginning of struggling for survival.

I DID IT MY WAY

It is hard to let go. I think it is difficult for all of us. I know my mother struggled letting go of all her children. I left home with the greatest of ease — compared to my siblings that is. Mother never really believed I could leave for long. But of the seven kinds I was the only one who never again lived close to my parents.

It’s not just parents struggling to let go, although that is a big one, Releasing control is often a difficult human process requiring self confidence and personal restraint. While living in Saskatoon (Canada, my dear friends) my youth group and I were organizing a very large regional weekend event including housing about 350 youth who would stay in the homes of various church members. It was a big deal. Several key youth had responsibility for various elements of the organization and program.

On a decorating day, my leader in the arts and decorations approached me with a red face and steam coming out of her ears. She was an energetic, enthusiastic and talented young lady. Why are you redoing everything I do? Good question. I wasn’t redoing everything, but I was certainly redoing some of her work. I just didn’t believe it measured up to the standards I wanted to present and believed should represent me personally.

Dorothy caught me off guard and put me in my place. Why give someone a responsibility of you are not going to let them have some freedom to do it their way. In most things in life, there is not a right a wrong way of doing things. There is only my way and your way (even if we don’t like those options). I backed off. Dorothy did a great job and the event was a wonderful success.

My daughter had to teach me the same lesson again after my wife passed away. There were just the two of us and we were still living in Canby, OR. I was commuting to Salem for work and she was commuting to Portland. I thought we had an agreement. Each of us would put our dishes in the dishwasher when finished. It seemed to be going fine when she stopped doing what I considered to be a simple task. I finally asked her why she stopped. Well, why should I put them in the dishwasher? You’re just going to rearrange them anyway. Good point. I believed I get more dishes in if things were done my way. I have no idea why I even thought that was important.

I know there are some tasks that must be done a certain way. But there seem to be millions that can be approached from multiple angles. My mother tried to teach me to peal an apple pulling a paring knife toward me. I don’t know if it is my left hand or what, but I could not do that. I could get it pealed and it tasted the same, but was not the “right” way to do it.

The big BBQ was Monday and I did not go. I was calm and had no problem living with the consequences of several of my appointments — that was until the stores started coming back to me yesterday. Apparently they began barbequing at 9:00 a.m. for a 4:00 meal. Immediately I was sure they were cooking from rare and the correct way in my mind was to boil the ribs until they were about to fall off the bone, soak them in sauce overnight and then warm them on the BBQ. That way it doesn’t take very long and you can keep the ribs coming without long waits. Apparently more than half the ribs were cooked in the oven.

I had an emotional fit. That explained why the ribs brought to me were tough. I was internally frustrated (a nice word for furious). That is not the way it is done.

Fortunately I kept those thoughts inside my head and my mouth shut. When I calmed down I was reminded there is more than one way to skin a cat (wait it was ribs?). The ribs were cooked. People were fed. They were happy. What difference did it make if those in change did it their way? I’m not real sure why it mattered, but I’m sure they screwed up.

A READERS RESPONSE

I have decided to print the entire response of my best friend to my post of yesterday. He is a professional and I often write him about various conflicting issues. I like many people, prefer to be a people pleaser and peacemaker. I want to make things right. His response was too long for a comment and is a post in itself.

RIGHT OR WRONG — A RESPONSE

“I sympathize with the feelings you are having. Maria is an abusive person. Abusive people work on the guilt principle, making you pay for confronting them, training you to never do that again. I think it would be disaster for you to go to her and say you were wrong or you were sorry. That would be the "people pleaser" coming out in you. It would reinforce in her that she can train people to fall in line, and that she truly is an authority on everything. I think the best approach is to realize that the action you took is not the way you first or generally deal with someone. All the kindness and all the over-looking have not changed Maria in any way. She has continued to be abusive and out of control. When you see your normal way is not working you have to go to Plan B, which you did. I find that Plan B always eats away at you and fills you with suspense. "How is this going to shake down??" I think your best bet is to hold your ground. Just continue to be a friend. When she has some unique need in the future, come through for her and she will see what a genuine friend you really are, and that you don't carry grudges.

“In counseling I have done some work on identifying abusive people.

“1. Power-Posturing--the abuser (A) spends a lot of time focused on their authority and reminding others of it. Their authority isn't real, so it must be postured.

“2. Performance Preoccupation. -- Power is postured and authority is legislated. The worth of her "subjects" is how they perform. If they don't fall in line, she will conduct herself in anger and meanness, which reflects her frustration. She will continually "up the anti" until it does or doesn't produce the desired result.

“3. Unspoken Rules. People's actions are controlled from outside (they don't feel like falling into line) so they must control them from outside---this involves rules, spoken and unspoken. In her mind she has her rules lined up and when someone doesn't fall in line, she lets them have it. In many cases she has not vocalized her rules--they are unspoken and you don't know what the rules are until you break them. By then it is too late and carnage results. "ANYBODY with any common sense would know this" is the favourite introduction to his or her rant.

“4. Lack of Balance. She likely and unknowingly treats people according to their educational level or lack thereof, or their nature, particularly zeroing in on the timid. There are a multitude of categories that only make sense to her. She doesn't have a clue that she is doing this. She has these classifications and they give her the "all systems go" or, better not take that one on because they are more volatile than me. You didn't react the way she has trained, and it threw her off balance. It takes her time to find her balance again. You have hurt her feelings--so get with the program lady and learn how it feels.

“Believe me she knows that she hurts people. She just doesn't care. We often excuse their behaviour by saying, "Oh that is just Maria". This only gives them an unfair advantage. Sometimes when I get a sticky situation I ask myself "How would animals deal with this?" They are innocent and wise. They know when to cuff someone ears! They are less likely to compromise, or protect abusive behaviour.”

I thought his response to my dilemma might help someone else. The end has come. I would like to make a smart remark or a wise comment, but alas, I have none.

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS

I know I usually comment on the problems and weird incidents at The Home, but we have some real gems as well. We have a couple of Farewell Cards floating around the campus. I am handling one for our building and Joy is handing one for the other building. We are also taking up a collection for our fearless leaders.

One of the cool things about taking the card around it the privilege of reading what people say and enjoying their generosity. People’s giving here is very much the widow’s mite. They have little, but they give much. But it is also because our managers were greatly loved.

Our residents are beginning to drop like flies. Janet is in hospice, Edna is in rehabilitation, and my next-door neighbor is in the third week of just not feeling well with no clear indication of what is wrong. Then this morning Marty was taken away in an ambulance. Marty is wheelchair bound. She was apparently in her bathroom and needed help. She pulled the emergency cord, which summons emergency services. But that didn’t happen. As it turns our the call went to the right place, but because headquarters did not change the phone number to Marty’s number when she moved in, it went to the last resident. When Bonnie got the return check up call she reported there was nothing wrong and the response was cancelled. Marty eventually got to her phone and called 911. She finally got help, but our maintenance man was irate. He already was angry enough at headquarters, he did not need more reasons. Because of the problem he was not notified of Marty’s need until she was returned to her apartment. Then when she was returned, Maria thought pulled the emergency string again thinking it would turn the light off, but instead ambulances came again. The turn off switch is in the manager’s control.

That was just the beginning of the day for Maria to stir the waters. I do have empathy for Maria, really I do. She has her own medical problems. She also really needs attention and does much to keep the spotlight focused on herself.

As Marty is being taken out she tells those gathered that she almost called 911 herself as her eye was bothering so much last night. So why didn’t she? Because it didn’t hurt that much, and everyone was now focused on Marty. Poor Maria! We should all feel sorry for her.

On the second emergency visit to Marty I was on my way to pick up mail, saw the fire truck and saw Chas in the lobby talking with Hazel. Chas is still upset about his flowers being moved around. They are located in an area specifically set aside for our wheelchair guests. But his flowers are in the way of Liz getting at her own garden spot so she moves them. They are not really in her way, but by moving Chas’ flowers she does not have to walk so far. Hazel was assuring Chas that Liz, who is such a plant loved and a master gardener, would never hurt his plants. Chas just wants her to keep his hands off his plants. Hazel, whose only friend here is Liz, continued to defend Liz as harmless. My arrival tempered the conflict.

Chas then wanted me to take his check to the office since I was on my day to deposit my own rent. Hazel, who is planning an Alaskan Cruise with Liz, asked me if the inside cabins were comfortable. I told her that I had no idea. When I went, I knew this would be the only time I would ever go so I had a balcony cabin. I wanted to sit on my deck and watch the world go by. I especially enjoyed it when coming into or leaving port. I loved watching the process. The only response was “Oh!” I cannot imagine the two of them sharing a tiny little inside cabin for the 10-day cruise they are planning. Hazel can hardly stand anyone to be that close to her. I’m sure someone will take bets on whether they will be friends by the time they return.

Well, Chas came over to the main building with me and we went to the kitchen where Maria was preparing the pork ribs for the BBQ tomorrow. They were some reasonable pleasantries exchanged before Chas tells Maria about Marty going to the hospital. He made a mistake in mentioning who had brought her home and Maria jumped on him like a rattler about to be stepped on. Naturally, he reacted badly and it only got worse. Chas took off in his wheelchair like he always does.

Maria needed help cutting through some bone and called me over handing me the knife. I barely got started and she began micro managing my work. She also had her hands in my way trying to pull the ribs apart while I am trying to cut them. I stop, give her the knife back away and tell her we can’t both do this. Either she is doing it or I am. Don’t tell me how to do it. If it must be a certain way, do it yourself. If I am doing it I want the freedom to do it my way. She lets go. Good thing or I might have cut her fingers off. They hurt so bad at times she often talks about having them amputated.

Maria leaves and two other people, one after the other came to talk about her controlling ways and how they can’t stand it any more. When Maria returns, she asks, am I getting worse? Yes. Your micro management is as bad as that of the Ivory Tower. Stop trying to control and let people say what they want. There is no need to correct insignificant details to a story. But he was wrong, I went to get Marty and bring her back. That’s not technically true, Maria does not drive. She was in the car that went to get her. So what. Don’t sweat the little things. It is not important to be credited for everything. That’s what I think. I will be trying to release things to others gifts and skills and she will try to belittle them into giving them back to her. It should be a great summer.

I WILL NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER

How on earth did we ever reach a place where a single person controls the fate of all the rest? They call it democracy, but in reality only one person is voting. If it keeps up we are going to have to throw all the coffee in the bay.

If one person has fears or concerns, everything is stopped. We are planning a Christmas Bazaar and were given the permission to proceed. We began making plans. We drew up a floor plan, proposed advertizing, and made plans to address the concerns we anticipated. Frankly, nothing came up that we did not anticipate. But when word got out, they believed that strangers coming into our building posed a physical threat to our residents. I guess they thought there would be a robbery, a rape or they just might be seen by the evil eyed stranger. We are going to do it, but in a must less desirable space.

It’s true that if access were gained to the elevator and/or stairs, a stranger could access the resident floors. But we planned blocks and guards at all the potential escape routes. That is not good enough. What if these horrible people get around our guards? What if a resident leaves their stove on and starts a fire. We could all be killed. What if the elevator sticks between floors and the people get claustrophobia? Maybe we should remove the elevator. The fear has stopped the installation of entrance doors that would make it significantly easier for those in wheelchairs to gain entry. Security lights installed in a dark area of the property were significantly delayed because the light might shine in someone’s window. A group wanted to paint the windows for the holidays, but someone might not be able to see through the window. The plan was not even considered. Besides, we would make a mess. WHAT? Do none of us have enough sense to clean up after ourselves? The no’s have it.

The corporate leadership continues to reduce and eliminates positions. That happens when stupidity and working outside the corporate guidelines costs the company $42 million. And, no, they don’t have it.

When I arrived we had a full time manager. We now have one who works only 8 hours a week. She cannot keep up with the required paper work in that amount of time. The social coordinator position has been terminated. It really doesn’t matter because she was spread so thin amongst all the facilities that we were lucky to have one event a month planned.

Now they want the residents to be responsible for their own entertainment. Good idea, but if one person does not like the plan, it will be closed down. Since nearly everyone has at least one enemy, I am bracing myself for every event to be canceled. In the last manger-less period Maria and I planned and executed almost everything. She doesn’t want to do it again because the criticism is so painful. I don’t really like the condemnation, but since more people will enjoy the event than will resist it, I refuse to be shut down by one angry depressed semi human being.

I have always believed it is easier to get forgiveness than permission. That is about to become my new motto. There will be no more corporate van. No one has been trained to drive it and load wheelchair residents. I regret that those three residents will be excluded from some events, but I have a van and can take six. I’ll plan day trips. I’ll announce the movies I’m going see and fill my van. I’ll plan going out to breakfast, lunch or dinner and fill my van. I’ll BBQ once a week or every other week for those who bring their own meat. We will lawn bowl, organize a walking club and get more table games going. And we will succeed because we will never tell management what we are doing. They will have to catch us in the act. Great. This feels like college. We will be sneaking and planning and hoping not to get caught. It will be a blast. I was rather successful at it in my college days.

They can say no, but they will not take my joy or enthusiasm for life away. I am only one, but I am a capable one — and sneaky.