TONE MATTERS

It’s time to address an issue with a coupe of friends at my Bible study. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy the group. The people are great. They do get off track at times, and today was no exception.

It is important to use the right tone, the right body language and facial expression that compliment the words you are saying. Words alone are not enough. It’s the total package. Today the combination of getting off track and using the wrong tone, body language and facial expression totally consumed what would normally have been the Bible Study.

Personally, I think getting off track at time helps us get to know one another. But this did not do that. It created tension and defensiveness.

At the beginning we take prayer requests. Three were shared. Then Chas asked the pastor what the church policy was on prayer. His tone was harsh, his head was cocked to the side and he had a frown on his face. These are things I would encourage an actor to do to challenge someone. That is exactly what happened with the pastor. He became defensive trying to defend his position and not offend the rest of the group. It did not help that Chas had an alternative motive. The pastor took the question with the tone used as a challenge to what he was doing and how he was doing it. He did not understand why the challenge was coming.

It seems Rocky is upset because the pastor has not called to ask how he is. Understand that Rocky has attended the church exactly four times. The last time he spoke to the pastor he told him he was feeling better and was going on vacation. Rocky did go and came home only to face a battery of tests and confusing diagnoses. He never called the pastor but began complaining around here that the pastor did not care about him. He is angry that the pastor has not called to check on him.

This resolution took 55 minutes of our 1.25 hours of Bible study. I did everything I could t come to his aid. The pastor and his wife tried to explain their schedules, and how impossible it is to keep track of the needs of 400 people who call the church their church. This is a seniors Bible study. They all remember the days when pastors visited every home in the church and called on the sick and seemed to respond to every whim of every member. No one seems to remember that most churches were very small. This side tracked briefly into another miss stated comment about the need for a prayer chain.

The pastor and his wife were backed up against the wall and digging a hole seemingly unable to get the group to accept their answer. I tried to explain the cultural shift, how pastor’s schedules have changed with the number of people under their care. Both he and I are rapidly searching our minds for answers that will appease. Finally James 5:14 came to mind: “Is any sick among you? Let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.” Scriptures do not lay this responsibility on the shoulders of the pastor. It is on the one who wants prayer.

Any who attend a large church understand pastors cannot keep track of everyone in their congregation. Frankly, no one can. People tend to hold others to “unstated expectations.” We have told no one about what we expect, but we are angry when they do not meet our expectations. People have ideas about how things should be done and expect others to follow their internal guidelines. To my knowledge, one can read minds. We do not and cannot live up to others unstated expectations. It is even more difficult when those expectations are unrealistic. Most of the problems around here come from unstated expectations. So I just want to be clear. Just do what I am thinking and everything will be fine.