It’s been quiet around here for several days. That’s nice even if it is unusual. It’s nothing to go a couple of days and not hear much of anything or even run into very many people, but it’s been almost a week of peace.
A long awaited physical change to our building is underway today. They are installing automatic door openers on our front door. That is going to be great. Not just for those in wheelchairs (although that is reason it is happening) but also for anyone bringing in packages, pushing or puling a cart or to lazy open two separate doors.
This is only happening at the front doors. OK, at least it is happening. We have a weather lock opening on both buildings. That is my expression, but if it makes no sense to you it is where you walk through two doors to get into a building. This is more commonly seen in very cold weather areas. We get cool weather, but our double door system is primarily a safety devise.
The first door from the outside is not locked and anyone can get in to use the call system to connect with whomever they came to see. It is the second door that is locked. The area between the doors is adequate – unless you are in a wheelchair. They must pull the door on the outside, to get in between the doors then reach forward again, unlock the door, pull it toward themselves with limited space to back the chair up and wiggle their way inside. The new system allows you to open both the doors from outside when you use your key and push the open door button. Both doors will open together and you have a minute to get inside before they close again.
OK, I’ve taken a long time to explain a simple process. After a meeting today it seemed that this was about to become the most difficult thing we have yet to endure. I didn’t know there would be so much to ask about “insert key, push button, doors open.” I thought the questions would never stop. It seemed like every question was repeated in multiple variations — forever.
Are we getting new keys? Asked and answered more than 15 times! The answer: No, the key you have will work.
Will the key work the same way? Asked an answered four times! The answer: Yes, insert and turn to the right? Which direction do we turn the key? It will only turn one way – to the right. Is that a full turn? No, only a quarter turn. Turn it until the key will not go any further. So we will need a key to get in the buildings? Yes, you have always needed a key to get in. Will that be a new key? No, use the key you have. Will I need the key for both doors? No, only one door needs a key. Which door is that? The inside door, just as it had always been. Why do we need a key if there is a button to open the door? This is a secured building. The doors must be kept locked. What a waste of money. Sorry you feel that way, it will improve accessibility for those who need the help. Exasperated: You get in the building just as you always have. Well, then why are we getting automatic doors if they don’t open automatically.
I won’t bore you with more repetitious questions. I’m sure you get the idea. After the door lock instructor left, questions continued amongst one another. I left. Tomorrow we will discuss how to get out of the building. I don’t think I’ll go.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
A READERS RESPONSE
I have decided to print the entire response of my best friend to my post of yesterday. He is a professional and I often write him about various conflicting issues. I like many people, prefer to be a people pleaser and peacemaker. I want to make things right. His response was too long for a comment and is a post in itself.
RIGHT OR WRONG — A RESPONSE
“I sympathize with the feelings you are having. Maria is an abusive person. Abusive people work on the guilt principle, making you pay for confronting them, training you to never do that again. I think it would be disaster for you to go to her and say you were wrong or you were sorry. That would be the "people pleaser" coming out in you. It would reinforce in her that she can train people to fall in line, and that she truly is an authority on everything. I think the best approach is to realize that the action you took is not the way you first or generally deal with someone. All the kindness and all the over-looking have not changed Maria in any way. She has continued to be abusive and out of control. When you see your normal way is not working you have to go to Plan B, which you did. I find that Plan B always eats away at you and fills you with suspense. "How is this going to shake down??" I think your best bet is to hold your ground. Just continue to be a friend. When she has some unique need in the future, come through for her and she will see what a genuine friend you really are, and that you don't carry grudges.
“In counseling I have done some work on identifying abusive people.
“1. Power-Posturing--the abuser (A) spends a lot of time focused on their authority and reminding others of it. Their authority isn't real, so it must be postured.
“2. Performance Preoccupation. -- Power is postured and authority is legislated. The worth of her "subjects" is how they perform. If they don't fall in line, she will conduct herself in anger and meanness, which reflects her frustration. She will continually "up the anti" until it does or doesn't produce the desired result.
“3. Unspoken Rules. People's actions are controlled from outside (they don't feel like falling into line) so they must control them from outside---this involves rules, spoken and unspoken. In her mind she has her rules lined up and when someone doesn't fall in line, she lets them have it. In many cases she has not vocalized her rules--they are unspoken and you don't know what the rules are until you break them. By then it is too late and carnage results. "ANYBODY with any common sense would know this" is the favourite introduction to his or her rant.
“4. Lack of Balance. She likely and unknowingly treats people according to their educational level or lack thereof, or their nature, particularly zeroing in on the timid. There are a multitude of categories that only make sense to her. She doesn't have a clue that she is doing this. She has these classifications and they give her the "all systems go" or, better not take that one on because they are more volatile than me. You didn't react the way she has trained, and it threw her off balance. It takes her time to find her balance again. You have hurt her feelings--so get with the program lady and learn how it feels.
“Believe me she knows that she hurts people. She just doesn't care. We often excuse their behaviour by saying, "Oh that is just Maria". This only gives them an unfair advantage. Sometimes when I get a sticky situation I ask myself "How would animals deal with this?" They are innocent and wise. They know when to cuff someone ears! They are less likely to compromise, or protect abusive behaviour.”
I thought his response to my dilemma might help someone else. The end has come. I would like to make a smart remark or a wise comment, but alas, I have none.
RIGHT OR WRONG — A RESPONSE
“I sympathize with the feelings you are having. Maria is an abusive person. Abusive people work on the guilt principle, making you pay for confronting them, training you to never do that again. I think it would be disaster for you to go to her and say you were wrong or you were sorry. That would be the "people pleaser" coming out in you. It would reinforce in her that she can train people to fall in line, and that she truly is an authority on everything. I think the best approach is to realize that the action you took is not the way you first or generally deal with someone. All the kindness and all the over-looking have not changed Maria in any way. She has continued to be abusive and out of control. When you see your normal way is not working you have to go to Plan B, which you did. I find that Plan B always eats away at you and fills you with suspense. "How is this going to shake down??" I think your best bet is to hold your ground. Just continue to be a friend. When she has some unique need in the future, come through for her and she will see what a genuine friend you really are, and that you don't carry grudges.
“In counseling I have done some work on identifying abusive people.
“1. Power-Posturing--the abuser (A) spends a lot of time focused on their authority and reminding others of it. Their authority isn't real, so it must be postured.
“2. Performance Preoccupation. -- Power is postured and authority is legislated. The worth of her "subjects" is how they perform. If they don't fall in line, she will conduct herself in anger and meanness, which reflects her frustration. She will continually "up the anti" until it does or doesn't produce the desired result.
“3. Unspoken Rules. People's actions are controlled from outside (they don't feel like falling into line) so they must control them from outside---this involves rules, spoken and unspoken. In her mind she has her rules lined up and when someone doesn't fall in line, she lets them have it. In many cases she has not vocalized her rules--they are unspoken and you don't know what the rules are until you break them. By then it is too late and carnage results. "ANYBODY with any common sense would know this" is the favourite introduction to his or her rant.
“4. Lack of Balance. She likely and unknowingly treats people according to their educational level or lack thereof, or their nature, particularly zeroing in on the timid. There are a multitude of categories that only make sense to her. She doesn't have a clue that she is doing this. She has these classifications and they give her the "all systems go" or, better not take that one on because they are more volatile than me. You didn't react the way she has trained, and it threw her off balance. It takes her time to find her balance again. You have hurt her feelings--so get with the program lady and learn how it feels.
“Believe me she knows that she hurts people. She just doesn't care. We often excuse their behaviour by saying, "Oh that is just Maria". This only gives them an unfair advantage. Sometimes when I get a sticky situation I ask myself "How would animals deal with this?" They are innocent and wise. They know when to cuff someone ears! They are less likely to compromise, or protect abusive behaviour.”
I thought his response to my dilemma might help someone else. The end has come. I would like to make a smart remark or a wise comment, but alas, I have none.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
RIGHT OR WRONG?
It’s always hard to admit you’re wrong. It’s even harder to admit you might be wrong when you don’t know whether you are really wrong or not. Maybe I was right. Does that make sense? Maybe it was just double talk. Maybe it is just second-guessing. We do that a lot. Make a decision, follow through and then wonder for weeks if we made the right decision.
I’ve spent a week wondering if I did the right thing with Maria. I know I am rethinking the situation because she is avoiding me and grunting when we pass. I confronted her because she gave me hell for leaving to pick up bread without her. She shared her frustration loud and far. I didn’t appreciate her response. She missed the meeting time. Remained in her room reading. We waited ten minutes. I thought she might be ill. I didn’t see how I was responsible for leaving her to do a simple, unimportant task that only requires one person, let alone three.
Yes, there was some defensiveness in those comments. I did not feel responsible. In retrospect, I may be more upset at how broadly she spread her frustration and with the anger and volume with which she released her venom..
If the truth was known, and I’m about the share the truth, she did nothing out of character. She is an angry, hostile person. She never accepts responsibility for any actions that cause a serious conflict. It is always the other person’s fault. No exaggeration. She has never apologized. No exaggeration. She will be in charge or will not serve. If she is cut out of anything, she has always let many know her displeasure. She will deny it. If she wiggles into something she will take it over. No, not try, but she will take over ordering everyone around and not allowing them to do anything for which she might receive praise.
So, knowing who she is and how she responds, why should I have expected anything different when my action was not pleasing to her? Am I the idiot? I think so. If I had ignored the situation, she would return to her self and all would be peaceful. I would have just been another person lying in the path of her destruction. Even I would have and did, calm down. What set me off again was a group meal at a very nice restaurant the following Monday. She verbally abused Kiki repeatedly making everyone at the table cringe. She told her what she could and could not order, finally telling her directly what she must order. She repeatedly corrected Kiki’s speaking telling her how she did and did not feel. Maria felt like her coffee was cold. When Kiki said her coffee was hot, she was told that it was not hot. Gail also got coffee out of the same pot and argued that it was hot. Not to Maria. And if Maria thought it was cold, everyone’s coffee was cold.
The whole meal continued like that. I was gentle but confronted her treatment of Kiki and her accusation about me the next day.
I admit it is peaceful without her. But the preacher indirectly addressed my concerns this morning and I am now rethinking my actions and am concerned that I only made matters worse. Do you know how much easier it would to deal with people if there were no people?
So, what’s the right response? Is it right to confront a 70’s old controlling woman when you are reasonable sure it will only come back and hurt you more?
I’ve spent a week wondering if I did the right thing with Maria. I know I am rethinking the situation because she is avoiding me and grunting when we pass. I confronted her because she gave me hell for leaving to pick up bread without her. She shared her frustration loud and far. I didn’t appreciate her response. She missed the meeting time. Remained in her room reading. We waited ten minutes. I thought she might be ill. I didn’t see how I was responsible for leaving her to do a simple, unimportant task that only requires one person, let alone three.
Yes, there was some defensiveness in those comments. I did not feel responsible. In retrospect, I may be more upset at how broadly she spread her frustration and with the anger and volume with which she released her venom..
If the truth was known, and I’m about the share the truth, she did nothing out of character. She is an angry, hostile person. She never accepts responsibility for any actions that cause a serious conflict. It is always the other person’s fault. No exaggeration. She has never apologized. No exaggeration. She will be in charge or will not serve. If she is cut out of anything, she has always let many know her displeasure. She will deny it. If she wiggles into something she will take it over. No, not try, but she will take over ordering everyone around and not allowing them to do anything for which she might receive praise.
So, knowing who she is and how she responds, why should I have expected anything different when my action was not pleasing to her? Am I the idiot? I think so. If I had ignored the situation, she would return to her self and all would be peaceful. I would have just been another person lying in the path of her destruction. Even I would have and did, calm down. What set me off again was a group meal at a very nice restaurant the following Monday. She verbally abused Kiki repeatedly making everyone at the table cringe. She told her what she could and could not order, finally telling her directly what she must order. She repeatedly corrected Kiki’s speaking telling her how she did and did not feel. Maria felt like her coffee was cold. When Kiki said her coffee was hot, she was told that it was not hot. Gail also got coffee out of the same pot and argued that it was hot. Not to Maria. And if Maria thought it was cold, everyone’s coffee was cold.
The whole meal continued like that. I was gentle but confronted her treatment of Kiki and her accusation about me the next day.
I admit it is peaceful without her. But the preacher indirectly addressed my concerns this morning and I am now rethinking my actions and am concerned that I only made matters worse. Do you know how much easier it would to deal with people if there were no people?
So, what’s the right response? Is it right to confront a 70’s old controlling woman when you are reasonable sure it will only come back and hurt you more?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
D-DAY
Tuesday was “D” day, the day of reckoning. It had to come. I dreaded the day, but planned and thought and prayed about how I would address the issue. I had confront Marias accusation of me when she was the one who blew it.
What she did is nothing new. It’s just that it happened to me this time. Her niece says she has never accepted responsibility for her own actions and that she always finds someone else to blame. I had noticed that with others, but had managed to avoid being the target until a week ago today. Many of us already know she is always right — on everything. She cannot accept another opinion as she has the only opinion that matters. If she cannot win an argument she swears and turns to personal accusation and name-calling. When someone is mad at her she has no idea why or what their problem could possibly be.
I have watched her lose two of her closest friends over silly issues. She argues that she did nothing wrong. They were at fault. She had bent over backwards to be their friend. That’s not quite true. If they apologize and made overtures to her, she might restore the friendship. But things are over if they expect her to acknowledge responsibility.
Maria has helped me get bread on Wednesdays for almost a year. She was not at our meeting place on time last Wednesday. I mistakenly assumed she was sick or may have slept in. She has not been well. As soon as I walked in the door last week she went after me with both barrels blasting away. She used her excessively loud barrels that can be heard in the next county. There were a dozen or more people in the room. All but my helper and I had heard it all before. So had a number of the organizations administrators, as they were just finishing up a meeting when she arrived complaining about my thoughtlessness. Apparently, without any prior discussion or request, I was to know I should call her or come and knocking at her door. I guess I was to usse my x-ray vision to ss what she was doing. Unfortunately, my eyes are getting worse and that part of seeing is fading. My explanation was not acceptable. She was not sick or tired. She was sitting in her apartment reading a book. READING A BOOK! That’s my fault?
Consider for a moment how unimportant our little bread pick up is in the big scheme of things. It is a nice service. Managers had always provided the service. I volunteered to take it over after a couple of months without anyone doing it when we lost our manager last year. Usually one person can do the job. I had another helper so could have done it without her.
What I did was extremely offensive. As she reminded me, she wanted to buy some bread there. I had prevented that. WHAT? When I realized no one was going to win, I left and waited for a time alone when I was not so volatile. That was yesterday. She opened the door. We often go to movies on Tuesdays. That was the plan for that afternoon. She asked if I was going, I told her no. I no longer wanted to be with her and Kiki at the same time because of the abusive way she treats Kiki. It was long way around, but another issue for me.
Kiki is a mild and meek Japanese lady who is abused by her sister, was abused by her husband, abused by her daughter and now by Maria. Kiki cannot or will not stand up for herself. It seems like her life has been one big abuse and she sees herself as deserving the treatment she gets. I don’t, and neither do others.
That lead to telling her how hurt I was being accused of something I did not do and that I wanted a couple of weeks of space. As expected, she denied having said anything to anyone or having attacked me. I explained that I was barely in the door before she was giving me hell. Naturally, she did not do that. I told her I had received an email from the main office wondering what I had done that made her so angry. She was not angry, and stunned that I got an email.
I let it go at that. My perception was one of accusation and I wanted a proper response. I’m sorry. For what? I don’t know, I didn’t do anything. That’s the problem. You never do anything. Let me know when you know what happened. Silence prevailed.
I am now waiting to see if she talks to me again. We have had two encounters. The first was at a table around coffee. She left when I arrived. The second was in passing and she grunted when I said hi.
I know I am expecting a lot from one who has been like this for 70 years. In two weeks, I will begin the process of rebuilding our now destroyed friendship. I expect it to be hard, but I will see if she can accept any responsibility. I doubt it, but will let it go. I wanted her to be aware there was a problem; I do not want a permanent rift. That will be noticeable and demand explanation. I do admit I am interested in how she will handle the explanation. I expect to be even more at fault about the awful way I treated her. I’m not sure she will be believed this time.
What she did is nothing new. It’s just that it happened to me this time. Her niece says she has never accepted responsibility for her own actions and that she always finds someone else to blame. I had noticed that with others, but had managed to avoid being the target until a week ago today. Many of us already know she is always right — on everything. She cannot accept another opinion as she has the only opinion that matters. If she cannot win an argument she swears and turns to personal accusation and name-calling. When someone is mad at her she has no idea why or what their problem could possibly be.
I have watched her lose two of her closest friends over silly issues. She argues that she did nothing wrong. They were at fault. She had bent over backwards to be their friend. That’s not quite true. If they apologize and made overtures to her, she might restore the friendship. But things are over if they expect her to acknowledge responsibility.
Maria has helped me get bread on Wednesdays for almost a year. She was not at our meeting place on time last Wednesday. I mistakenly assumed she was sick or may have slept in. She has not been well. As soon as I walked in the door last week she went after me with both barrels blasting away. She used her excessively loud barrels that can be heard in the next county. There were a dozen or more people in the room. All but my helper and I had heard it all before. So had a number of the organizations administrators, as they were just finishing up a meeting when she arrived complaining about my thoughtlessness. Apparently, without any prior discussion or request, I was to know I should call her or come and knocking at her door. I guess I was to usse my x-ray vision to ss what she was doing. Unfortunately, my eyes are getting worse and that part of seeing is fading. My explanation was not acceptable. She was not sick or tired. She was sitting in her apartment reading a book. READING A BOOK! That’s my fault?
Consider for a moment how unimportant our little bread pick up is in the big scheme of things. It is a nice service. Managers had always provided the service. I volunteered to take it over after a couple of months without anyone doing it when we lost our manager last year. Usually one person can do the job. I had another helper so could have done it without her.
What I did was extremely offensive. As she reminded me, she wanted to buy some bread there. I had prevented that. WHAT? When I realized no one was going to win, I left and waited for a time alone when I was not so volatile. That was yesterday. She opened the door. We often go to movies on Tuesdays. That was the plan for that afternoon. She asked if I was going, I told her no. I no longer wanted to be with her and Kiki at the same time because of the abusive way she treats Kiki. It was long way around, but another issue for me.
Kiki is a mild and meek Japanese lady who is abused by her sister, was abused by her husband, abused by her daughter and now by Maria. Kiki cannot or will not stand up for herself. It seems like her life has been one big abuse and she sees herself as deserving the treatment she gets. I don’t, and neither do others.
That lead to telling her how hurt I was being accused of something I did not do and that I wanted a couple of weeks of space. As expected, she denied having said anything to anyone or having attacked me. I explained that I was barely in the door before she was giving me hell. Naturally, she did not do that. I told her I had received an email from the main office wondering what I had done that made her so angry. She was not angry, and stunned that I got an email.
I let it go at that. My perception was one of accusation and I wanted a proper response. I’m sorry. For what? I don’t know, I didn’t do anything. That’s the problem. You never do anything. Let me know when you know what happened. Silence prevailed.
I am now waiting to see if she talks to me again. We have had two encounters. The first was at a table around coffee. She left when I arrived. The second was in passing and she grunted when I said hi.
I know I am expecting a lot from one who has been like this for 70 years. In two weeks, I will begin the process of rebuilding our now destroyed friendship. I expect it to be hard, but I will see if she can accept any responsibility. I doubt it, but will let it go. I wanted her to be aware there was a problem; I do not want a permanent rift. That will be noticeable and demand explanation. I do admit I am interested in how she will handle the explanation. I expect to be even more at fault about the awful way I treated her. I’m not sure she will be believed this time.
Monday, September 13, 2010
LUNCH OUT
I just got back from our big “meal out together”. We went to the Bistro. The food was wonderful and reasonably priced. They sent a limo for us. The place is only 4 blocks away but the limo was really fun. Only a couple had ever been in a limo before.
While I was the organizer, I was not prepared for the anger and hostility that began to pile up within minutes of our arrival. Fourteen of us went so we were treated as a large group. Made sense to me since we were a large group. As soon as Maria read there would be an eighteen percent gratuity tagged on she began complaining and never completely stopped till we got home. I’m not going to pay it. But it’s going to be added to your bill. It’s not right! It’s not fair! So I said we are only four blocks from home, you can leave. They have no right to tell me what I have to tip them. You have a choice. You can leave. That slowed her down some.
Her anger and bad attitude made pleasant conversation difficult. I went to the other two tables to make sure everyone else understood about the gratuity. Everyone was fine with it except one other person, but they were not ranting. The average meal we all purchased was about $12.00. Not bad at all for an up scale lunch with drinks (non-acholic).
This is not a restaurant with a large lunch crowd. As far as I could tell, there was one waiter, one bartender and one cook. There were two other tables with diners. Not a big crowd. Ten minutes after we ordered she was complaining. All the drinks were not out yet. Drinks were not at our table. We had three tables of 6, 5 and 3; He had started at the other tables. He took their orders and got their drinks. We were the last table served.
By this time she had upped the anti on her hostility rant. Twice I asked her to be patient. If I had known it was going to take so long, I wouldn’t have come. It’s not too late to go home. He has not taken your order yet. She made several under her breath comments and finally scalmed down — briefly. Twenty minutes later she was just getting around to take our orders. It didn’t seem long to most of us, but to Maria it was an eternity. That brought on more complaints about the gratuity and the service.
Fifty minutes into our arrival, food was being delivered. We had already endured 10-15 minutes of whining about when our food would arrive. She was starving. She had mentioned that several times within the first few minutes of our arrival. We were quite aware she was hungry. So was our waiter. He served her first.
She had taken the joy out of this event for me. Also for Gail. She could not even look at Maria. Conversation seemed to be swirling around her. She had things to say, but they were independent of the conversation. I don’t even know if she was aware she was being ignored.
I have spent my life being inclusive. I have had my share of arguments around here, without lasting consequence. Eventually both sides have worked things out – rather quickly surprisingly. But since Maria has never done anything wrong there is nothing to forgive.
I have news for her. I will treat her kindly and with friendliness, but our going to do things together is over until she recognizes what she has done to my reputation and me. As I have said before, I will not accept responsibility for something I did not do.
If you haven’t read previous blogs, three of us go to collect free bread on Wednesdays. Carmen did not come to our meeting place on time. After ten minutes we left without her. When we returned she gave me hell for leaving her. She considered it my responsibility to call, knock on her door or come and drag her out of bed, I suppose. She was in her apartment reading. How was I to know? We never had that arrangement. Before about 30 people in the commons room including several from the administrative office, she let everyone know what a scumbag I am. She will never figure out that she did anything wrong or that arriving on time was her responsibility. I have no intention of telling her, but we are done with extra things together until she figures it out and straightens it out. I will forgive and forget, but it is way past time fr her to figure out what she is doing. The world does not revolved around her. She is not a presvhooler any longer — I thought.
While I was the organizer, I was not prepared for the anger and hostility that began to pile up within minutes of our arrival. Fourteen of us went so we were treated as a large group. Made sense to me since we were a large group. As soon as Maria read there would be an eighteen percent gratuity tagged on she began complaining and never completely stopped till we got home. I’m not going to pay it. But it’s going to be added to your bill. It’s not right! It’s not fair! So I said we are only four blocks from home, you can leave. They have no right to tell me what I have to tip them. You have a choice. You can leave. That slowed her down some.
Her anger and bad attitude made pleasant conversation difficult. I went to the other two tables to make sure everyone else understood about the gratuity. Everyone was fine with it except one other person, but they were not ranting. The average meal we all purchased was about $12.00. Not bad at all for an up scale lunch with drinks (non-acholic).
This is not a restaurant with a large lunch crowd. As far as I could tell, there was one waiter, one bartender and one cook. There were two other tables with diners. Not a big crowd. Ten minutes after we ordered she was complaining. All the drinks were not out yet. Drinks were not at our table. We had three tables of 6, 5 and 3; He had started at the other tables. He took their orders and got their drinks. We were the last table served.
By this time she had upped the anti on her hostility rant. Twice I asked her to be patient. If I had known it was going to take so long, I wouldn’t have come. It’s not too late to go home. He has not taken your order yet. She made several under her breath comments and finally scalmed down — briefly. Twenty minutes later she was just getting around to take our orders. It didn’t seem long to most of us, but to Maria it was an eternity. That brought on more complaints about the gratuity and the service.
Fifty minutes into our arrival, food was being delivered. We had already endured 10-15 minutes of whining about when our food would arrive. She was starving. She had mentioned that several times within the first few minutes of our arrival. We were quite aware she was hungry. So was our waiter. He served her first.
She had taken the joy out of this event for me. Also for Gail. She could not even look at Maria. Conversation seemed to be swirling around her. She had things to say, but they were independent of the conversation. I don’t even know if she was aware she was being ignored.
I have spent my life being inclusive. I have had my share of arguments around here, without lasting consequence. Eventually both sides have worked things out – rather quickly surprisingly. But since Maria has never done anything wrong there is nothing to forgive.
I have news for her. I will treat her kindly and with friendliness, but our going to do things together is over until she recognizes what she has done to my reputation and me. As I have said before, I will not accept responsibility for something I did not do.
If you haven’t read previous blogs, three of us go to collect free bread on Wednesdays. Carmen did not come to our meeting place on time. After ten minutes we left without her. When we returned she gave me hell for leaving her. She considered it my responsibility to call, knock on her door or come and drag her out of bed, I suppose. She was in her apartment reading. How was I to know? We never had that arrangement. Before about 30 people in the commons room including several from the administrative office, she let everyone know what a scumbag I am. She will never figure out that she did anything wrong or that arriving on time was her responsibility. I have no intention of telling her, but we are done with extra things together until she figures it out and straightens it out. I will forgive and forget, but it is way past time fr her to figure out what she is doing. The world does not revolved around her. She is not a presvhooler any longer — I thought.
CHURCH RANT
Got this great letter from my best friend from college days. We both entered the ministry with the same organization and are coming to similar conclusions, and they are not nice. There are great similarities between governmental leadership and denominational leadership. This letter provides me with a great opportunity to rant (as old people are expected to do) about the state of things. This one is the state of the organized church. I have already expressed myself on government. Don’t get me wrong. I love the church. I even go once-in-a-while. It is still ordained of God. However, man seems to have taken over in a number of places. The leadership power, authority, and fame (yes, fame) go to the heads of national church leaders as much as any other business CEO. It’s a shame, but its true. Something is wrong with this picture. Our organization was created to function from the ground up. Leadership serves the needs of the grass roots. But things have changed. Now they seem to be spraying the grass roots with DDT.
A friend is the chaplain at a Nursing Home in a nearby city. It is our denominational nursing home, but the administrator doesn't really think they need a chaplain---just get the program director to enlist some pastors and have them come in and conduct a weekly service. That should do it for pastoral care. Families of clients aren't supposed to hurt or struggle I guess. Or need someone to do their funerals, or visit their clients when they are in the hospital or face emotional needs. Those days are past. With all our modern conveniences clients do not need shepherds. If they want something, get it on line. It’s the modern way. I think I’ll open a business — Funerals on line. It will carry several general messages of your religious choice and the image of a cool attractive middle aged pastor type oozing compassion and concern over the loss of (insert name here).
Churches still want pastors. But church leaders do not want to supply them everywhere. They are looking for the superstar pastor. The one that can draw 5000 with a single word, organize a 10,000 member church with a single plan able to jump all church complaints and have his on TV show with an audience of 10 million and donations of at least a half billion.
They want big churches. Reorganization recently has meant that churches up to a certain size (40 or 50 I think) are being closed. Pastors are fired if the church does not grow. Isaiah would be fired. He felt like he was called to a people who would not hear and that he alone was following God. But we demand results and cost effective churches. It is cheaper to have one church of 1000 than it is to have twenty churches of 50. AND the programs are bigger and better. Professionals can run nearly everything. Those pros are administrations. They don’t visit or call in your home or have any personal contact. The boys in the ivory tower like that. Big means success, small means failure. Naturally that cannot be expressed out loud, but check out what the boys on top are directing church leaders to do. Let the sheep care for the sheep.
Most pastors no longer make house calls (influence of doctors?). It’s more efficient having the client come to you. We don’t counsel, but you can make an appointment to see our staff counselor. The hospital chaplain will visit you in the hospital. He doesn’t know you, but he/she will visit. Hopefully you have family or friends who will come around. If you are the child of a church leader the pastor might conduct your wedding, other wise use the marriage pastor whom you met only at the required pre-marriage counseling class he lead. The big boys want us all to improve administration skills. We take classes in time management to help us learn how to find others to care for our sheep. It’s the corporate farm model. We have speaking engagements, world tours, and books to write. (or more realistic – find an editor to convert our messages to book form).
When you are tired, exhausted, ill, worn out or just finished serving, district and national leadership will sideline you as of no worth or value. They will reclassify your credentials and you will be stripped of your right to vote at Denominational and District Meetings. What would a bunch of old guys know anyway? One leader wants any reference to former times erased so that the younger guys will feel that this is the way it always was. A rewrite of their church history, I guess. Few know of the large number of women who founded churches at the beginning. Many still have no place for women. That started with the national women’s movement. Before that, we gladly welcomed them to serve. National leadership is in charge. Not true, but don’t let the new guys find out.
They act as nothing ever happened until they got in power. A former leader instituted pastoral care for a number of reasons, but one was to reach out to pastors who have gotten hurt and keep contact with them and try to get them back into ministry. But if they left we don't have any responsibility to them now. They are off our books and out of our minds and hair. We have pastors who have given 20-40 years of service and are a thing of the past. They did something someone didn't like. They questioned the direction things were going. They seemed too interested in what was going on.
Lets not keep in contact with past workers. Drop the letters, the newsletter, the magazines, or emails. The previous philosophy that we might need them at least as prayer warriors is gone. They are useless. Why tell them anything? Without having an actual ministry we can no longer give them access to inside information that might be about people we worked with and cared for. Now where’s the trash heap. Throw them out. It’s time to take a new stand on euthanasia so we can “help” the former workers out the back door. (OK, that’s an exaggeration, but not by much.)
Previous leaders got us to where we are. They made a difference in their small little caring churches. Can we honor the contribution they made?
A friend is the chaplain at a Nursing Home in a nearby city. It is our denominational nursing home, but the administrator doesn't really think they need a chaplain---just get the program director to enlist some pastors and have them come in and conduct a weekly service. That should do it for pastoral care. Families of clients aren't supposed to hurt or struggle I guess. Or need someone to do their funerals, or visit their clients when they are in the hospital or face emotional needs. Those days are past. With all our modern conveniences clients do not need shepherds. If they want something, get it on line. It’s the modern way. I think I’ll open a business — Funerals on line. It will carry several general messages of your religious choice and the image of a cool attractive middle aged pastor type oozing compassion and concern over the loss of (insert name here).
Churches still want pastors. But church leaders do not want to supply them everywhere. They are looking for the superstar pastor. The one that can draw 5000 with a single word, organize a 10,000 member church with a single plan able to jump all church complaints and have his on TV show with an audience of 10 million and donations of at least a half billion.
They want big churches. Reorganization recently has meant that churches up to a certain size (40 or 50 I think) are being closed. Pastors are fired if the church does not grow. Isaiah would be fired. He felt like he was called to a people who would not hear and that he alone was following God. But we demand results and cost effective churches. It is cheaper to have one church of 1000 than it is to have twenty churches of 50. AND the programs are bigger and better. Professionals can run nearly everything. Those pros are administrations. They don’t visit or call in your home or have any personal contact. The boys in the ivory tower like that. Big means success, small means failure. Naturally that cannot be expressed out loud, but check out what the boys on top are directing church leaders to do. Let the sheep care for the sheep.
Most pastors no longer make house calls (influence of doctors?). It’s more efficient having the client come to you. We don’t counsel, but you can make an appointment to see our staff counselor. The hospital chaplain will visit you in the hospital. He doesn’t know you, but he/she will visit. Hopefully you have family or friends who will come around. If you are the child of a church leader the pastor might conduct your wedding, other wise use the marriage pastor whom you met only at the required pre-marriage counseling class he lead. The big boys want us all to improve administration skills. We take classes in time management to help us learn how to find others to care for our sheep. It’s the corporate farm model. We have speaking engagements, world tours, and books to write. (or more realistic – find an editor to convert our messages to book form).
When you are tired, exhausted, ill, worn out or just finished serving, district and national leadership will sideline you as of no worth or value. They will reclassify your credentials and you will be stripped of your right to vote at Denominational and District Meetings. What would a bunch of old guys know anyway? One leader wants any reference to former times erased so that the younger guys will feel that this is the way it always was. A rewrite of their church history, I guess. Few know of the large number of women who founded churches at the beginning. Many still have no place for women. That started with the national women’s movement. Before that, we gladly welcomed them to serve. National leadership is in charge. Not true, but don’t let the new guys find out.
They act as nothing ever happened until they got in power. A former leader instituted pastoral care for a number of reasons, but one was to reach out to pastors who have gotten hurt and keep contact with them and try to get them back into ministry. But if they left we don't have any responsibility to them now. They are off our books and out of our minds and hair. We have pastors who have given 20-40 years of service and are a thing of the past. They did something someone didn't like. They questioned the direction things were going. They seemed too interested in what was going on.
Lets not keep in contact with past workers. Drop the letters, the newsletter, the magazines, or emails. The previous philosophy that we might need them at least as prayer warriors is gone. They are useless. Why tell them anything? Without having an actual ministry we can no longer give them access to inside information that might be about people we worked with and cared for. Now where’s the trash heap. Throw them out. It’s time to take a new stand on euthanasia so we can “help” the former workers out the back door. (OK, that’s an exaggeration, but not by much.)
Previous leaders got us to where we are. They made a difference in their small little caring churches. Can we honor the contribution they made?
Saturday, September 11, 2010
WATER, WATER
It happens to many of us. At about the worse possible time, a time when we are in a hurry, a time when we have no time to get to the emergency — an emergency happens.
It was a pleasant morning. I got plenty of sleep and casually wandered through the morning. A nice bowl of cereal with blueberries, a few small puzzles on the computer even a game of Mahjong. I took my bowl to the kitchen, put it in the sink to be washed and went to have a shower. When I got out I could hear water running. I assumed the tenant above me was taking a shower. As I headed to the bedroom to get my clothes, I could hear the water running and it was louder. I looked in the kitchen and water was running over the sink and down the front of the cupboard and the only think holding the water back from running all over the apartment was the carpet edging separating the kitchen from the hall. I had turned on the water to fill the sink and was only going to be gone a second. I can’t even remember what I was going to do after the water started. All I know is that I had a shower instead.
I was glad all my blinds were still closed. I was stark naked. I waded through the stream on my floor to turn the water off, ran for the bathroom to get every towel I owned, soaked up as much as possible and threw the towels into the sink. Time was running out. When I got out of the shower all I had to do was get dressed. I still had 20 minutes before I was to meet a group to visit the Farmers Markets.
After the towels, I grabbed a large quilt, which covered the entire floor. It seemed to absorb most of the remaining water. But I knew if I picked it up water would still be standing and running again. The quilt was keeping everything in place. I was out of time, so I did what any teenager would have done and considered the water to be in a temporary holding pattern. I got dressed and left.
I never worried about what was happening ay home. I returned 2 hours later and thought about it as I was approaching my apartment. My concern got really concerned. I was thankful I was on the ground floor. If the water had found a way leak through it would only go to the crawl space. Can you imagine the problems if I were on the top floor. I opened the door and stuck my head in to see how bad it was. Not bad at all. All around the quilt it was dry. Water was being held in place. It was like the little boy who stuck his finger in the hole of the dam to hole the water back. Except, it wasn’t a finger holding back the water, it was a queen size quilt. There’s a difference.
This was actually easier to finish cleaning things up than the last time I did that. But that’s another story all together.
It was a pleasant morning. I got plenty of sleep and casually wandered through the morning. A nice bowl of cereal with blueberries, a few small puzzles on the computer even a game of Mahjong. I took my bowl to the kitchen, put it in the sink to be washed and went to have a shower. When I got out I could hear water running. I assumed the tenant above me was taking a shower. As I headed to the bedroom to get my clothes, I could hear the water running and it was louder. I looked in the kitchen and water was running over the sink and down the front of the cupboard and the only think holding the water back from running all over the apartment was the carpet edging separating the kitchen from the hall. I had turned on the water to fill the sink and was only going to be gone a second. I can’t even remember what I was going to do after the water started. All I know is that I had a shower instead.
I was glad all my blinds were still closed. I was stark naked. I waded through the stream on my floor to turn the water off, ran for the bathroom to get every towel I owned, soaked up as much as possible and threw the towels into the sink. Time was running out. When I got out of the shower all I had to do was get dressed. I still had 20 minutes before I was to meet a group to visit the Farmers Markets.
After the towels, I grabbed a large quilt, which covered the entire floor. It seemed to absorb most of the remaining water. But I knew if I picked it up water would still be standing and running again. The quilt was keeping everything in place. I was out of time, so I did what any teenager would have done and considered the water to be in a temporary holding pattern. I got dressed and left.
I never worried about what was happening ay home. I returned 2 hours later and thought about it as I was approaching my apartment. My concern got really concerned. I was thankful I was on the ground floor. If the water had found a way leak through it would only go to the crawl space. Can you imagine the problems if I were on the top floor. I opened the door and stuck my head in to see how bad it was. Not bad at all. All around the quilt it was dry. Water was being held in place. It was like the little boy who stuck his finger in the hole of the dam to hole the water back. Except, it wasn’t a finger holding back the water, it was a queen size quilt. There’s a difference.
This was actually easier to finish cleaning things up than the last time I did that. But that’s another story all together.
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