A READERS RESPONSE

I have decided to print the entire response of my best friend to my post of yesterday. He is a professional and I often write him about various conflicting issues. I like many people, prefer to be a people pleaser and peacemaker. I want to make things right. His response was too long for a comment and is a post in itself.

RIGHT OR WRONG — A RESPONSE

“I sympathize with the feelings you are having. Maria is an abusive person. Abusive people work on the guilt principle, making you pay for confronting them, training you to never do that again. I think it would be disaster for you to go to her and say you were wrong or you were sorry. That would be the "people pleaser" coming out in you. It would reinforce in her that she can train people to fall in line, and that she truly is an authority on everything. I think the best approach is to realize that the action you took is not the way you first or generally deal with someone. All the kindness and all the over-looking have not changed Maria in any way. She has continued to be abusive and out of control. When you see your normal way is not working you have to go to Plan B, which you did. I find that Plan B always eats away at you and fills you with suspense. "How is this going to shake down??" I think your best bet is to hold your ground. Just continue to be a friend. When she has some unique need in the future, come through for her and she will see what a genuine friend you really are, and that you don't carry grudges.

“In counseling I have done some work on identifying abusive people.

“1. Power-Posturing--the abuser (A) spends a lot of time focused on their authority and reminding others of it. Their authority isn't real, so it must be postured.

“2. Performance Preoccupation. -- Power is postured and authority is legislated. The worth of her "subjects" is how they perform. If they don't fall in line, she will conduct herself in anger and meanness, which reflects her frustration. She will continually "up the anti" until it does or doesn't produce the desired result.

“3. Unspoken Rules. People's actions are controlled from outside (they don't feel like falling into line) so they must control them from outside---this involves rules, spoken and unspoken. In her mind she has her rules lined up and when someone doesn't fall in line, she lets them have it. In many cases she has not vocalized her rules--they are unspoken and you don't know what the rules are until you break them. By then it is too late and carnage results. "ANYBODY with any common sense would know this" is the favourite introduction to his or her rant.

“4. Lack of Balance. She likely and unknowingly treats people according to their educational level or lack thereof, or their nature, particularly zeroing in on the timid. There are a multitude of categories that only make sense to her. She doesn't have a clue that she is doing this. She has these classifications and they give her the "all systems go" or, better not take that one on because they are more volatile than me. You didn't react the way she has trained, and it threw her off balance. It takes her time to find her balance again. You have hurt her feelings--so get with the program lady and learn how it feels.

“Believe me she knows that she hurts people. She just doesn't care. We often excuse their behaviour by saying, "Oh that is just Maria". This only gives them an unfair advantage. Sometimes when I get a sticky situation I ask myself "How would animals deal with this?" They are innocent and wise. They know when to cuff someone ears! They are less likely to compromise, or protect abusive behaviour.”

I thought his response to my dilemma might help someone else. The end has come. I would like to make a smart remark or a wise comment, but alas, I have none.