DO I HAVE A BRAIN

Do any of you remember those suction tubes one found by nearly every department store cash register years ago? I think I saw one in a Costco not long ago. They were designed to whisk money away from the cashier to? Humm, to where? I wonder! So yesterday I was literally stuck in one of those human suction tubs for about thirty minutes. She sweetly says please lay down on this meat slab. They had kindly placed a white paper napkin for me to lie on. I felt like I was about to be wrapped, labeled and put in some meat counter display case.

“Now, don’t move your head.” I don’t even know why she bothered to male that comment. My head was laid down in a wedge like head shape attached to the slap. He stuffed little rubber like cones into my ears so I wouldn’t hear the saw, I presume. She then wedged my head with what felt like a rubber block on either side of my head so I couldn’t move it if I tried. If that wasn’t bad enough, I suffered the ultimate indignity when she slapped this Hannibal Lector type device over my face so I could do my imitation of Anthony Hopkins. I don’t know whom they thought I was going to eat. Next I was glided into the suction tube to be whisked away to who knows where. I was about to find out where all that money goes. I doubted I would make any of the tube turns since I barely fit inside. I was sure I would be stuck at the first corner.

Well, I didn’t go anywhere. I just lay there while some guys with jackhammers pounded away on every side of me. It didn’t take long before my nose began to itch. Fat chance it was every going to be scratched. I wiggled my nose as best I could and try to make it go away. I think water torture feels something like that. I was willing to tell them anything they wanted to know if I could just have my nose scratched.

I have had an MRI once before the days of bondage. Admittedly it was easier to remain still. What else could I do? The tube has this weird mirror like contraption so I could sort of see the operator out at my feet. The picture quality was fuzzier than a TV with an antenna. It was one of those “we now see darkly” kinds of things.

I was somewhat dizzy when I got up. Naturally she told me nothing so I’m still not sure if I have a brain.

That afternoon I went for an EEG. I love medical terms. They are purposely designed to keep the novice in the dark about what you are taking or are going to happen. It’s like ignorance is bliss. I assure it — it ain’t. In this little experiment in poking and prodding I had 26 wires attached to my head. First she rubbed various spots on my head trying to remove my hair. At least it felt like that. She then rubbed some funky glue type gel to hold the prods to my scalp. After all were attached, she asked me to lay back and close my eyes. That part was easy. Since I was up before God, I was ready for my afternoon nap. I felt nothing and I definitely nodded. Actually, I definitely fell asleep. I woke myself up several times as I began to snore. When it was over, I was embarrassed and tried to defend my sleeping. She just laughed. I guess I wasn’t the first sleeper.

After all of that, not would tell me if I had a brain. I have to wait until January 9. That’s all the way to next year. I did get a call this morning telling me the doctor wants more blood. What is he? A vampire. This will be the third blood draw. I guess something isn’t right. I could have told him that without all the blood.

So be it. God knows and He and the doctor will tell me in good time.