A NEW ME

Preparing for a colonoscopy is worse than the actual procedure. I think it would have been easier to call Roto Rooter and had it done quicker. But then, Medicare doesn’t pay for Roto Rooter. I should have just taken a TV tray to the bathroom and moved some work in there and stayed. I never got to leave for long. The runs didn’t stop until about 11:30. I slept reasonable well. Up only twice, but had to get up at 6:00 to continue treatment.

I never drank four quarts of anything in a day. Actually it was only two quarts each day. The instructions said to drink it all at once. Ha! I sloshed when I walked.

The procedure (as they call is) was not that bad. When the doctor came in to prepare for the “procedure” I asked if he could take out my noses hairs from the inside since he would be going that far anyway. He didn’t do it.

I don’t know how long I was in recovery, but when I came out from under I was aware of everything. I could stand and walk straight on my own. My driver was very surprised. She didn’t remember anything about her “procedure.” I have no polyps, and no signs of cancer All I wanted was to get something to eat. Two days with no food is more than I could handle.

Again I was told I would be in perfect health if I lost weight. It is said like I have no idea less weight would be preferable. So far I am getting the same thing from everyone. I am about ready to make a sign and put it on my computer that reads “Your Fat” (just incase I forget or my mirror breaks.)

I know, I know. I have no idea why skinny people are compelled to ask us that question with a tone that assumes we probably don’t know we are fat. WE KNOW! Some skinny folk look like they have anorexia. But I have never heard a fat person ask if they know they are excessively thin. I know we do all this because we are a nation consumed with health and want us to look — well, what do they want us to look like. The beautiful people on TV, in the movies and magazines ready don’t exist. I've done make up for theater. Six pack abs are the standard for men. I don’t know anyone who looks like that. I’ve got a six-pack, but I think its bowling balls. Maybe I’ll make up a magazine photo of me for my blog. I will get rid of my gray hair, put a twinkle in my eye, backlight the picture, put on a shirtless body appropriate for the 25 year old I believe I am. And I will definitely get rid of all these liver spots. I might look better but it would have no resemblance to who I am. Besides women would begin beating my door down just to meet and I can barely handle what I have.