NEW EARS

I finally bite the big apple and had my hearing tested this morning. I am number six of seven siblings and all had hearing aids by their early 50’s. I guess I could have waited until I turned 70 next year. As far as I knew my parents always wore hearing aids. I was the lone hold out, except for my sister Doris, but she died at age 42.

I went to one of those tests where the goal is to convince you that you need to spend $6,000 plus. I knew that going in, but I also knew I was having trouble with certain tones and increasingly turning my head to the right hoping to hear the TV better. It wasn’t working well. I still think something is wrong with the sound on my TV.

Shawn convinced me all right. I ordered a new set of ears I hope I can get them paid off before they need to bury me. I was told by all my hearing aid wearing friends at The Home to brace myself for a bill of $2,500 — per ear! I went in assuming my hearing loss would be mild and by getting an estimate I would start putting money away for some distant future date. But, young man, the time is now. Stand up and face the music and stuff little tiny microphones into each canal and hear, hear, HEAR! Anyway, they were wrong about the price. They wanted $5880. But wait: there’s more. Act now and we will give you not one, but two hearing aids. But there is still more: if you call right away we will include not one, but two batteries. Operators are standing by. If you pay in full Shawn will personally install your new ears in not one but bother ears absolutely free.

I have never figured out when you pay nearly $6000 for anything how some tiny part is absolutely free. Besides what good would the hearing aids be without batteries?

Anyway, it seemed Shawn took pity on me and the final price was $2990, almost have off, and it’s a Miracle Ear. Wow! Do I feel lucky; at least I afford the payments.

When I was shown to the receptionist desk for the final paperwork I began smiling as soon as she spoke to me. She raised her voice and spoke very slowly and distinctly. She was well trained. I decided not to tell her that I could hear normal one-on-one conversation. I thought it might ruin her day.

The big issue now is will I like going to my rock and roll church once I get hearing aids? I love the church and like the music, but it is already very, very, VERY loud. It may now go off the charts in loudness and I will finally know what all of the other old timer’s complain about.

I do hope the hearing aids have off/on switches. I am sure there will be times when I don’t want to hear what is going on around me. My father used his quite effectively. I love my mom, but she was a complainer. We were visiting them in the very small town of Hardy, Nebraska one summer when the kids were small and Della offered to help mom by making the gravy for the roast. It turned out great and in the course of the meal, Dad complimented mom on the gravy not knowing she did not make it. Mom dropped into an immediate freeze out. Darts flew form her eyes and lightening from her skull. Clouds began to gather over her head and a storm was building. It came fast. She torn into dad about everything he had ever done, how she hated this house and town and especially his attitude. She never once mentioned the gravy or said anything to my wife. She just ignored her for the rest of our visit.

When mom took a breath, dad slipped outside and sat on his porch swing. At her next breath (about 15 minutes later) I slipped out to join him. I felt bad abandoning my wife but I thought if the men were gone she would stop. Wrong! She never once complained about Della, but I got mentioned in the attacks as did all my brothers and dad. When she finally stopped and simply fumed and I was pretty sure she went to another part of the house I asked dad how he could stand her complaining. He looked at me then reached up to turn both hearing aids back on and asked what I said. The question was answered.

In the mean time while I am waiting for my hearing aids to come could you please write a little louder so I can understand everything you are saying.