MESSY LIFE

A buddy sent an email a while back and talked about “messy lives.” I was so impressed with his thoughts that I dropped the email into a sermon file. Since I’ve had the opportunity to preach a couple times this past year, I suspect there may be another opportunity in the future. This is a subject I feel God is urging me to address. The concepts resonated with my heart immediately.

I am an introspective person. Always have been. No doubt it has caused me problems at times, and it may be doing it again. I am not without some success in my life, but I still struggle with a general feeling of near total failure. I have had confidence many times, but face a great deal of timidity. I do not usually compare myself with others, but compare myself with what I believe I should have been or should be. While I refuse to call what I do “worry,” I often feel like I do not measure up. This is why the idea of “messy life” connected so strongly.

I am attempting to read through the Bible in a year. I usually get hung up in Leviticus and return to the Psalms. Proverbs and the New Testament. The law annoys me. It seems so ridiculous I cannot seem to stick with it. I am sure there is something to learn, but I never get far enough to learn it.

I grew up in a church that believed in the law. Not the Leviticus law, but some made up law that lead me to think that my church believed that if it was fun, it was sin. That is not that far from the truth. If one were to make a list of everything they ever heard some church said was wrong, it was believed in my church. About the only thing they never came right out and objected to was kids necking in the car. Of course, they considered it wrong, but never mentioned it. I think we were just expected to know it was wrong. I’m sure we all did, but it was still a common activity.

My life has been messy as far back as I can remember. I kept everything inside. I mulled it over and over and over. I carried enormous amounts of guilt for just about everything that ever happened. I know that what I heard in church had a great deal to do with that guilt. But because I kept things bottled up, my thoughts were never discussed with anyone else. I simply believed I was abnormal and one of the few kids emotionally dying under the pressure of what I was being taught. I was a young adult before I ever began to question the extra-Biblical teaching of my church. As a result, I consider myself pretty screwed up and not especially happy. I knew others just did want they wanted to do and few seemed to ever feel guilty. I felt guilt about everything. It didn’t stop me was doing many of these things, but I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to be a follower of Jesus Christ. I wanted to be a Christian. In my teen years I was desperate to be forgiven and accepted into the kingdom of God. To that end, I walked forward at more alter calls than I can remember. There were times I was doing it weekly. I lived in terror of going to hell.

Movies were anathema, but I went to my first one in eighth grade. I went with two black buddies who were refused entrance to a roller skating rink where our class was having a party. Since I would not go in without them, we went to a movie. It was a western in which a sixteen-year-old boy was mistakenly hung for cattle rustling. I became that boy and I was being hung for even being in that theater. I felt so guilty I could hardly wait to get out of there as I was convinced the Lord would come and I would go straight to hell. Do not pass go do not collect $200.

That feeling had crossed my mind many times as a youth. I finally convinced myself that I was unredeemable. God could not love me nor accept me. Get used to it kid, heaven was not in my future. Messy life. The mess continues, but the guilt has greatly declined. We’ll talk more about this,

GOD OWES ME

I was blown away today. Still wondering if I was going to be well enough handle our annual Memorial Day BBQ, I spent the morning making calls (between runs to the restroom) to make sure things were in control. One of the people I talked to was Rocky (Maintenance Man). I asked if he would do the BBQing for me. He agreed and said he would come by later to talk to me.

His timing could not have been worse, or maybe better, I’m not sure which. Lulu was here to get the materials to make her world famous BBQ sauce. She makes everything complicated and then wonders why her life is so complicated. Duh! Next year I will go back to buying the sauce. It will be cheaper anyway.

She begged me the past two years to make the sauce. Maria had always used prepared sauce, but this year she is visiting her sister in Mexico. I (mistakenly) thought this would make asking her easier. Well, it worked in that regard. All she was asked to do was precook the pork ribs, make the sauce, and put them in the fridge to marinate over night. When she arrived she launched into the story of her life’s troubles, how exhausted she is and how was she ever going to get the time to do everything she had to do. I tried to get her back on track and told her I could get someone else. No, I’ve planned to do this. It is not going to be problem (Right!). But I don’t know if I can be here on Monday, she said. That’s not a problem, because when you put the precooked and marinated ribs in the fridge your job is over. But I really need to understand the whole picture so I know where I fit into the whole proves. You told me you would not be here on Monday and you do not have to fit in anywhere after the ribs are in the fridge. Go in the kitchen. Do what you do. Put it all in the fridge. Lock the door and leave. I don’t know why she doesn’t trust me with the key. Will she open it for you at the time you want? Yes. Then why do you need the key? She thinks I’m not trustworthy. I have managed restaurants and… yes, yes, I know you are capable and trustworthy. If is just her policy. And she has worked out a way for you to get your job done.

Fortunately at that time Rocky arrived. That line of questioning was stopped and the two of them launched into their life stories of troubles and I had to try and bring two back to the point. Rockies issues are way more complicated than Lulu’s — if they are true. He never tells the whole story the same way twice. He is angry with the law and courts for what he perceives as a gross injustice being done to a totally innocent man. Exhausting. And unbelievable.

I listened and tried to get him back on track. What set my blood to boiling what his quote of Matt: 18:22 “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” He interpreted it to mean and God must answer his prayer because he promised and he has asked and does not want to go to jail for his DUI or Reckless Driving or the combination (neither of which he says he really did) and God owes him. If he doesn’t answer his prayer then God is not who He claims to be. I hate it when God is blamed for the consequences we must pay. You did it. Not God. His story is so bizarre no one really believes in his innocence.

I was ready to scream and jump out of my chair and tear his brain out, but Lulu was there, I simply encouraged him to take the passage in context and remember that the Bible also says “There is no God.” You can prove anything out of context.

He launched into a recitation of similar verses, which proved to him that God had no choice, but to deliver. I told him you are turning God into your personal genie. Yes, because he must do what I ask because I have prayed. Exhausting!

I had to run to the restroom at that point. They were both gone when I returned. Now if only my blood will stop boiling.